Yikes! I started my blog with two goals in mind. First, I wanted to express my thoughts and ideas about Buddhism, recovery, and the intersection between the two. Second, I hoped to either find or in some small way help inspire a community of, if not like-minded, similarly situated people who wanted a place to freely share their thoughts.
Who would’ve thought I’d end up feeling like I’m back in high school. (BTW, Why are there shows like Glee? High School sucked, and never once did anyone break out in song.) First, as when I started High School, immediately upon publishing my first post I desperately wanted someone to see it and approve it. In fact, I really wanted many people to see it and many people to not only approve, but to come to me asking, “why haven’t you spoken before, this is exactly what we’ve bee thirsting for!”
Second, I quickly found what appears to be a fairly regular community of bloggers who sort of haunt the forums, helping out the newbies, and bestowing advice and critique. Cool! Just what I need! But, quickly that High School thing kicks in and I feel like they are the cool kids with the cool clothes (i.e. blog sites) and I’m the dork wearing the stiff blue jeans from K-Mart and Buster Browns instead of Air Jordans (i.e. a blog site about, of all things, Buddhism addiction, and a heretical take on AA).
Don’t get me wrong – They are nice – I’m the neurotic one!
Of course, as usual, my reaction is to flee – say, “hey this blogging ain’t for me,” close up shop and split. Of course, that would achieve none of my original goals and only reinforce the bad feelings I’m experiencing. So, the obvious answer is to blog on, readers be damned. An unread or disliked blog is far from the end of the world (and certainly not uncommon).
That answer does however beg an additional question – how much of blogging is merely motivated from a childlike “Notice me!”, how much is. “Love me!” or “Respect Me!”, and how much is, for lack of a better phrase, a practice of artistic expression? For most bloggers, I suspect, it’s some hybrid of the three.
However, as a Buddhist, and (apparently) a blogger I need to be mindful of this issue. Further, as a Buddhist while I do understand the first two motivations, I must endeavor always to act from the right intention, and the ego inflation of the first two motivations just ain’t that!
I suspect the emotional anxiety is of benefit in that it has reminded me that I have this specific issue that I still need to work with. That said I stand by my initial claim that Starting a Blog Sucks Emotionally!